So… I have gone from utter heart-break, despair and desperation to the guy chasing me, passionately adoring and desiring me, and doing everything he can to make me happy – in 6 months. How? Please take my advice, and re-read everything Sabrina has written about building your own self-esteem, how to stop being clingy, how being a ‘little mean’ is a good thing, and how important it is to create a life that you love for yourself, whether there’s a man in it or not. Then start putting it into practice. This is exactly what I did, and now I’m in a state of shock… I can’t believe what has happened…
I’ll try to be brief, but this is my story: 6 months ago I met a guy at a party and we just clicked. But the guy had a reputation for being a womaniser and having a string of girlfriends half his age (which means half my age, too!)When we met he asked me to meet him a week later at a club night – I never showed. I had decided to do something else. Then, he began to pursue me. I mean, he threw himself at me, like a steam-roller or a speeding train, using all his (considerable) charms. The guy is very charismatic, is in the entertainment industry, and is very ‘experienced’ (I work in a cafe part-time and try to be a writer the rest of the time, and have had two boring, very unsatisfying long-term relationships where I was sort of a housewife… well, more like a geisha, really!) I was bowled over, and before you could say ‘watch out!’ I was ‘in love’.
Of course, I wasn’t ‘in love’ – I was infatuated. I didn’t know the guy! Suddenly, his opinion of me mattered more than anything – and I wanted certain things from him: his time, his attention, his validation. I couldn’t understand why he had chosen ME – I was older than his usual type and fairly ‘mousey’. Let me describe our second date: I canceled plans with a friend for it. I ran around for two hours trying to get my clothes, makeup, hair, jewellery and shoes ‘right’ (for him), and arrived flustered and feeling not like myself at all. He was pretty off-hand with me and didn’t really pay me that much attention – he knows everyone and spent time chatting to various people. I didn’t like it and became angry with him. I said ‘I feel like you’ve made me into a fool!’ I was upset for ages afterwards, and heard nothing from him for two days.
Then he contacted me and asked me to come round to his place the next day. I AGAIN canceled plans to do that. I asked him what time was ‘convenient for him’ for me to come over (I may as well have told him I’d lie down at his door and let him wipe his shoes on me, too.) At his place he explained he wasn’t over his ex (a stunning 25 year old). We had sex in his living room. I went home a few hours later feeling really bad, and then didn’t hear from him for several weeks… EXCEPT for the few ‘blow off’ texts he sent me (eventually) in reply to mine asking him how he was, telling him I thought he was wonderful, asking him to come to a theatre play with me, and so on. I can’t believe I did those things!
I then spent the next four or five weeks crying, taking up smoking again, having lots of baths, and boring all my friends to tears by talking about him… and waiting, always waiting, and hoping, for a text. I was in absolute despair. I was humiliated, I hated him, I hated myself. I constantly told myself how fat and old I was. I cried so much I threw up. I told myself I was ‘in love’ with him more than I’d ever been in love before, that he was ‘the one’ for me, and so on, and so on.
(I recommend Dorothy Tennov’s excellent book, Love and Limerence. It made a LOT of sense to me!)
Fast forward to now. The guy texts me every morning and night, wanting to know how I am, and to say good morning or good night. He cooks me beautiful meals. He plans days out in special places, places where he ‘can have the pleasure of seeing me enjoy myself’ (yes, he said that!) He holds me close when we’re out, and is always giving me little kisses just ‘because’… he rents movies he thinks I’ll like… he will give me candle-lit massages with scented oils for HOURS. He can also spend hours simply pleasing me in other ways, too ;) He is constantly telling me how sexy I am, and how much he desires me. When he’s away he counts down to the day when he’ll be back, and able to ‘make love to me’ again. I never see him looking at other women, because he’s always looking at me, and trying to make me smile or laugh – and he tells me that my (verbal) support of his creative work helps him to be the best he can be.
This is absolutely true. I can’t deny it – I’m still in shock about it. Sometimes I’m dazed with shock (though I save the dazed for when I’m at home, alone, not when I’m with him… when I’m with him I simply enjoy his company.)
I am kind to him; I do care about him and find him intelligent, funny, sexy and sweet. I have begun to get to know who he is, on the inside, and feel myself begin to kind of… love him. Not in any ‘must have him’ way. Just… love.
But how did I do this? Sabrina has said it all, very well, but basically I went through a major transformation of myself.
I looked at my chidlhood, my family and my past relationships and saw how my very low self-esteem had developed, so that I’d lost that carefree, engaged and positive spirit I had as a very small child. I made the decision not to be ruled by the past any more, but to treat myself as a caring friend might. I began to actively work on my self-esteem. I realised I could not look to a man to validate me, give me a sense of my own worth; I had to validate myself.
I began to take steps to ‘fall in love’ with my own life. I went to dance classes. I began to value my friends. I began to give myself little treats, such as fresh flowers every now and then. When I walked down the street I started to look at my city with fresh eyes, noticing the buildings, the sky, the scents and the light, as though I were on holiday in some wonderful and interesting place. I began to really dress up, even just to go to the supermarket, in clothes I liked, not caring one iota what anyone else thought of me – I began wearing red lipstick, and when I walked down the street I imagined I was a fashionista in Paris or Milan, and held my head up. I started to tell myself ‘with or without a man, with or without THIS man, I like my life!’
I noticed other men start to look at me; several of them asked me out. I said yes to a few, no to many of them. Within the space of two months, two men had fallen head over heels for me… but I felt they weren’t right for me, and so I had to let them down. Yet I was open to love, wherever and whenever it might happen. I began to see a boyfriend or partner as ‘the cherry on the cake’ – my own life was the whole cake, and a very tasty cake it was becoming, too. The dancing built my confidence; my friendships blossomed; I began to wake up each morning with a feeling of excitement for the day ahead, and what it might bring.
And when I bumped into the guy, ‘my’ guy, one day, he asked me out. I agreed to a cup of coffee in the middle of the day. That morning, I was rather busier than usual. I had dressed in something casual, and had had no time to even put makeup on. My hair was as it was when I got out of the shower – I definately didn’t look Paris or Milan, but that didn’t matter, because I’d started to think that everything about me was ok. I could dress up or down; whatever… it was all ok, because I was ok and my life was ok.
When I met him I was simply myself, as I would be with any of my friends.
After that coffee, he began to ask me out. I couldn’t really find the time for him, but once or twice I agreed to coffee, and then eventually a movie. I NEVER texted him, not once. I always only replied to his texts… when I felt like it. Sometimes that was straight away, and sometimes my day swept me along and it would be the evening or the next day or – once, even two days later – before I found the time and inclination to reply.
He began to try to organise dates a week in advance, and pin me down to a specifuc time, too. Sometimes I’d meet him for a date straight from my dance class, wearing an old skirt and top. But a lot of the time, I couldn’t meet him, because of my friends, my hobbies, my classes – or just because my favourite TV show was on that night and I really, really wanted to get on the sofa with a glass of wine and watch it.
I continued to be open to meeting other men, and went on a few dates with another guy (though we kissed, I didn’t sleep with him, and have made up my mind that no matter how tempting a man is, I WON’T sleep with him quickly ever again.) I didn’t tell my guy about the dates; it was my business, not his. But he made it very clear to me that he was not dating any other women. My response was ‘oh, ok…’ and then I just moved on to another subject. Meanwhile, I was getting to know him, and he was getting to know me. I slept with him occassionally, but never stayed over at his place. I always left, even if it was 3 in the morning. I’d kiss him sweetly goodbye, thank him for a lovely evening, and call a cab.
But the most important thing was that I truly began to fall in love with my own life, and to look only to myself for value and validation. My mantra became ‘I’m ok just as I am, good bits and bad bits.’ I began to list things I was grateful for every day: a ‘gratitude list.’
When my friends began to remark that he seemed to be developing feelings for me, I said ‘well, I know it sounds harsh, but… that’s his own business.’ I was developing real feelings for him, too, but as my priority was my own well-being, I noticed my feelings, accepted them, and just trusted that whatever happened would be for the best.
As things stand now, I always prioritise my own plans and my own life (of course, I compromise with him – what restaurant we’ll go to, what film we’ll watch, for example… but as he wants to see me happy, he’s usually thinking of what restaurant/film I might like!)
He knows I will say no to a date with him because I want to sit at home and read a book: I tell him what I’ll be doing. I won’t reply to a text of his for hours because I went to a crochet class and got chatting. I don’t feel bad – and for him, it’s no big deal. He tells me he LOVES that I have so many interests and passions.
I ONLY text him before a big work event or project to say good luck… and on his birthday this year, to wish him happy birthday. Other than that, I only text in reply to one of his. I reply to his texts when I have the time/inclination, and 90% of the time I’m the one to end a phone converstation or series of texts.
I never tell him what to do. I never need him to do or be anything other than himself. He knows he’s free… and he chooses to be with me.
I don’t cook for him – he comes to my place, I throw a frozen pizza in the oven, though he cooks for me, and I’m always very happy and complimentary.
I don’t care what he thinks of my body… my body allows me to dance (ladies, bellydancing can change your life!) and is a source of pleasure for both myself and him, so what does it matter if it’s 43 years old and has multiple ‘flaws’ – including quite obvious cellulite? If he doesn’t like it, he knows what he can do. But in fact, he worships and adores and fantasizes about my body, and tells me so.
Two days ago, saying goodbye on a train station platform, he kissed me REALLY passionately. As I walked away, I almost fell over, because 6 months ago, smoking and shaking in the street, crying in the bath, hating myself and thinking that he was the biggest jerk who had ever lived, I would never have imagined or dared dream that he would one day kiss me so passionately on a station platform – that he would ever look at me with such shining eyes.
I really am in shock. So I wanted to share my story because amazing things can happen. You can get the guy… but even if you don’t, your life has become so interesting, so ‘enough’ that it doesn’t matter anyway. You’ll feel ok to wait for love, and believe that the right person will come along one day.
So… re-read everything Sabrina has written, and start following her advice RIGHT NOW!
I have not been this happy with my life since I was about four years old. And I’ve got a gorgeous, charismatic, interesting man treating me better than I’ve ever been treated by anyone in my whole life. Simply because I decided to stop being mean to myself, and tried to get interested in my own life. You can do it too, girls, believe me.
Thanks Sabrina!!!!