Thanks for your responses, everyone!
Violet – ‘here’s to falling in love – with us!’ is a great motto, and I think we all, when we raise a glass or even a cup of tea, should say that silently to ourselves: ‘here’s to falling in love – with me!’ I can’t say I actually properly love myself (too many years of the opposite feeling to change in such a short time), but I now think I’m pretty OK and that my life is interesting.
I started off by saying ‘I’m enough,’ as in, I don’t need to change or add anything to be worthy, but now I’ve actually changed that, and say to myself ‘I am PLENTY!’ It feels just that bit more indulgent… But certainly trying to treat myself as if I was going on a date with myself every day helped a lot.
Penny, your question about getting over insecurity was interesting. I think partly, for me, it was because I’d reached such a low point – nerves shot, doing terrible things to my chest because of my chain-smoking, finding myself crying and trembling in the street after catching a glimpse of him, almost unable to function, and ignoring my family and friends – there seemed no where else to go but ‘up’. But I’d never recommend this… it was terrible! ;)
Really, though, it just suddenly hit me that I was letting other people tell me my value and worth. I’d done that my whole life – I accepted my parents’ judgement (not good enough), my partners’ judgement (you have value if you look after me and tell me how great I am), and society’s judgement (you’re ok, Ally, if you don’t stand out, show-off, ask for anything, laugh too loud, are sweet, quiet, accommodating and always put every other person before yourself, even if they’re mean to you.)
I define insecurity as that feeling/fear/terror/obsession that someone won’t like you/will stop liking you because of something about your character, personality, looks or behaviour.
I define security as being who you are, and if someone doesn’t like you or stops liking you or even leaves you because of your character, personality, looks or behaviour… well, it doesn’t matter! Too bad. Good bye and good luck!
That’s their problem, because actually, you are fine the way you are. And if you DID do something awful, or act really badly… well, most of us aren’t psychopaths or sociopaths, we’re just women trying our best with what we’ve got. We’re not perfect and we make mistakes, and sometimes say or do awful things, or get spinach between our teeth – whatever. You have to forgive your self your flaws and mistakes, like you would a really good friend who you know didn’t mean it.
Realising that I did not know this man – that I’d met him a few times over a few weeks – and yet I was giving him the power to say that I was ‘worthless’ (he didn’t say that… but his rejection of me told me so)suddenly seemed a very strange thing to do. I mean – who was he? Just some guy, right? After that, I started wondering about how I had let my parents define my worth, and my partners, and then, in fact, I started questioning EVERYTHING. Like, I began to notice that I really cared what the woman behind the checkout thought of me, and how I’d get upset if she wasn’t sweet to me, or if she looked at me funny, or was just mean – I was terrified that she was judging me and finding me ‘less’.
But four other things really helped. One was reading A New Mode, because it got me thinking, and then the book ‘Why Men Love Bitches.’ There was some interesting stuff in there. The second thing was a book by an English author, John Parkin, called ‘F**k It Therapy.’ This really changed the way I saw things and the way I treated myself, and was great in that it wasn’t about men, for a change! Just about me and how I related to myself. It’s based on the incredible power of the phrase ‘F**k it!’ It actually is amazing and very freeing, and I use it all the time, now.
The third thing was acting ‘as if…’ even though it was uncomfortable, even terrifying. I began to act ‘as if’ I had confidence, ‘as if’ I liked myself, ‘as if’ I was a worthy person. When I started to dress up and wear red lipstick, even for the supermarket, and walk around with my head up, of course I noticed people staring, and it was really hard for a while. But I did it anyway, and after a really short while, I just started to forget about what anyone might think. I started to look forward to getting dressed every morning, and when I walked down the street I got too busy paying attention to the sky, the shops, the buildings, what I was doing, that I wasn’t uncomfortable and anxious any more. (Also, I noticed that people who looked really interesting and kind, both men and women, would smile at me and make eye contact with me, as though I suddenly had lots of kindred spirits who were also enjoying being alive… and only quite miserable-looking people would stare at me.)
The fourth thing was challenging EVERY really negative thought with a little mantra: I’m enough. I’m plenty. I’m OK. It doesn’t matter. Life’s too short for this. F**k it. At first I didn’t believe myself when I said ‘I’m ok as I am, exactly as I am right now.’ But I kept saying it and saying it, every time I got a self-negating, self-critical thought in my head. I began to actually believe it (brainwashed myself!)
The question I used to ask constantly was ‘Does he like me?’ That’s the insecure question. I’d spend most of my time trying to figure out the answer. Then I realised that the ONLY answer to the question ‘Does he like me?’ is: ‘Who cares? More important is, do I like HIM?’
So, I guess, Penny, my answer – based only on my experience – would be: don’t expect to be ‘cured’ of insecurity overnight. Start to act ‘as if’ you are secure in yourself, even if you don’t feel it or believe it. Stop giving people any power to judge you. Detach your sense of your value from any man’s opinion or treatment of you (even if he treats you well!) by telling yourself that the only opinion of you that REALLY counts in this world is YOURS. And find some little mottos or mantras that work for you. Mine current ones are: I AM. I HAVE. I am PLENTY. I am alright as I am.
Another long post… I always have a lot to say!
Ally